I've been a follower
For longer than I've been a lover of you
And if you think it's not long enough
to shake me
then you don't know me yet
I fall. Fast
That's the easy part
But I have trouble getting back up
And dusting off the sick feeling
that I get every time I think about
leaving here.
It's what I do best.
It's the one thing that drew us
together with picket fence dreams
and it's my one flaw
that you take for granted.
I take a lot of things for granted.
Loving, for example.
This is not the easy part
It takes so much more to stay
than to go
And I've been going for years now,
wandering and waiting
and calmly expecting change to happen
It always comes
rushing in like a bullhorn on full speed.
I'm always ready for the blow
I wish that I could say that this is it for me
I wish that I could keep my composure
when future plans come into play
I wish that I didn't think that everything
comes so easily
That I deserve everything that I want
I wish I didn't want so much
And that my bones didn't ache for sea sand
I'm jealous of the fixtures we've inherited
Mostly because
I want to feel the same salinity on my cheeks
and something other than snow on my eyelids
I still love. I still wish. I still dream.
I just do it in monotone these days.
And I don't mean to make you think
That it's all because I'm unhappy
Just know
That there is something in you that
Makes me say stay
That tells me I have no choice
But to root myself in you
And if you're here, so am I